Russkaya Ruletka

I stood before the huge doorway

A chill ran down my spine

I trembled, frozen to the ground

I felt the cold metal against my skin

Colder and colder

I looked back

I entered

Now there’s no turning back.

I stopped to hear,

nothing I could;

Like drums within me

My heart was singing the tune

Of my fear

as I entered the forbidden world of Russkaya ruletka;

Now, there’s no turning back.

My eyes sharp,

Piercing sight through

The thick blanket of the moonless night;

Down the hall came a loud sound

Then a scream and no more

I moved to the light;

Two men I saw

One dead and by his side

a lady I once knew

Now, there’s no turning back.

The other calm as Balkan,

emotionless expression painted him;

he motioned to the body

and grabbed the pushki

he wiped off the blood

and polished it with his shirt

he turned, he saw,

I knew now

There’s no turning back.

He looked me in the eye

hardly a blink, I gave a nod

and both walked to opposite ends;

I eyed him as he did me

we paced round

before he stopped

and raised the pushki.

I watched as he inserted the bullet,

he turned the barrel

with his finger on the trigger;

he was ready to begin,

the drumming sound became louder,

my vision blurred,

at the sound of a click

I knew he survived.

He tossed the pushki over,

with a single hand I caught;

My silent prayer drifted to the night

In hope that the gods hear my plight;

I trembled as I held the pushki to my head

A deep breath I took, eyes closed shut

and pulled the trigger.

Click

I had survived

for now

Wedding cards

“Sir, which design would you like?”

“Number 23 and emailed to me, if possible.”

“Very well, sir. The email will reach you shortly. Thank you for choosing Little Greetings Design. Have a nice day…”

Jane put down the phone and turned back to her computer screen with a notepad in hand. She keyed in the number and attached it to an email before sending it to her customer. It was a year ago when she started this business and it has been running since. No doubt there are seasons when custom cards sold like hot cakes- take Valentines and Weddings. Nevertheless, Jane was satisfied with her job.

From her window, Jane saw the postman drop letters into her letterbox. She winced. She dreaded going through her letters. It wasn’t because of bills but of her trade- wedding cards. For years, Jane was without a steady partner and it seemed to her that everyone had already gotten hitched and well… they left her…alone.

Before her unsteadiness, Jane dreamt of being Mrs. David Foster. Well, that dream lasted for 3 years before David decided that he should work in Greece at an excavation site. He didn’t want to be tied down so thus ended the wonderful life of the Fosters- in Jane’s mind, that is. That was 5 years ago. David wasn’t all that ‘evil’-he came back home for two weeks every quarter of the year to visit his mother and also Jane (who lives next  door to his mum).

Jane shook herself and opened the letterbox. True enough- there were at least three wedding invites. Whoppie-do, Jane thought to herself. She placed the envelopes on the table. It’s another three for them while none for me. Well, those who can’t wed, designs.  

Two weeks passed and nothing new except the fact that two of her friends got married already. How lovely. Few more wedding cards came in the mail but Jane was too bothered to open anymore.

A taxi pulled up at Mrs. Foster’s house. David looked out at his childhood home and smiled. “Hello mother.” he said as he gave her a big bear hug. “You’re back earlier, Davie. Something wrong?” David shook his head and smiled affectionately, “Nothing wrong, mum…” Unnoticed by both, a redhead watched their every move. 

It was a day after his arrival that Jane heard a knock on her door. As always, David visits her every time he’s back. Jane sighed, he had absolutely no idea how he kills her after every visit. In spite of that, she always puts her best smile. “Hi, David…I see you’re back early than usual. Something happened?”

“Why does that question seem so familiar? Nothing wrong, I can assure you.”

“You look like a Cheshire cat at my door. Could you make this quick? I got a hot date in an hour."

Jane was left perplexed when David left abruptly.

The two weeks of his stay finally came to an end and Jane hasn’t even figured out the reason nor did David come to explain why. An hour before the taxi was due to arrive, David knocked on Jane’s door.

“Did you at all check your mail??”

Jane was taken aback, “My mail? I don’t see why my mail is…” She was cut short when David pushed his way in. He went through the envelopes and handed a blue pastel one to her. Jane eyed him as she began to open the envelope. She pulled out the contents.

“I get wedding cards every month, why give me this? I have no time for games”

“Humour me and open the card.”

Jane let out her frustration. Fine, I will, it’s obvious he’s gotten engaged already and I’m about to be asked to be bridesmaid, just you watch. Jane opened the card and read.

Shock gripped her. It was true as soon as she saw his name and...

JANE FREIDA RICHARDS

What?? She looked up. She was speechless.

David bit his lip. “If you say yes, then it’ll be the card design, it’s your design number 23, if I remembered correctly.”

Jane wasn’t sure if it was reality. She pinched herself then smiled though it hurt.

“Yes, a thousand times, yes!!”

The Canyons

“…how’s about we take a road trip to the Canyons?” her face beamed with excitement.  I glanced at her then back on the road, “Are you sure, honey? I mean like we been there for a million times already.” She slumped back to the seat, “Yea, I guess you’re right.” I sensed her spirits was down, “I guess we can drop by on the way to my parents?” She smiled then lean over to kiss my cheek. I grinned, “I don’t know why you love it there so much.”  She stopped to think and though in the dark I knew she was biting her lips, “I guess beauty never fades there, no matter how many times you go it’s still the same heart-stopping scene.”  Then came the bright lights...

I shut my suitcase tight. Alice’s already settled in the passenger’s seat. I loaded everything into the trunk. In no time, I started the long drive to Flagstaff. Yea, it’s the trip we’ve been planning for. I smiled. Spring finally came to an end, not that I don’t like the season- I just wanted it to pass. Summer’s now knocking on Mother Nature’s door and now’s the right time for a road trip. Nothing like sunshine, brownness and summer breeze to wake your senses- well, it beats the workplace.

Ah, the’ 62.1 miles to Flagstaff’ sign. My neck muscles ached from the long drive. I looked at my wife, “Here we are darling- where the beauty never ends.” I turn back to the road and she smiled.  I drove and headed for the North Rim. I switched the channel for slower tracks. I could hear her sigh, waiting patiently. If she had her way, I think I’d be persuaded to live in one of the caves here too- don’t tell her that though, she might just give me a smack. Now there’s a thought to laugh about.  

The day was about to end. Orange and red hue stretched its arms, colouring clouds and bathing the sky in the loveliest combination. The scenery just took my breath away. Alice was right, she always is. I bit my lip as I looked past the tall rocks and over the dry rocky terrain. Suddenly, I could feel Alice smiling, I smiled. “Beauty never fades here, no matter how many times.”

I opened the porcelain box.

“It’s time that you fly and rest forever in the place you love… I love you, baby.” I held the ashes on my open palm and the breeze-like cued- blew them away.  “Always your beauty will remain here, Alice.” For a moment, I could feel a warm familiar touch on my cheek. I closed my eyes.

 I will always love you. 

Then the wind blew it away.

Dust

Missing; like something is just out of place. The feeling of emptiness my finger feels. The cold symbolic ring is no more. No longer does it do justice yet I long for its touch, its security and the thoughts it held.

I guess I was just wronged.

I looked up to the sky, that same blue sky that you and I used to look up to together. It remained the same though we didn’t. Clouds flew by, the sun was shining and they were totally oblivious to the fact that it was hurting me. Life goes on no matter what and waited for no one. I guess I stood and held back. I didn’t know how to move on.

Everything seemed in place. A career that I always dreamt of was mine, an apartment with the most spectacular view is a place I call home and there was also you. There you were whenever I turn- always there right behind me. Richard Marx reminded me of you when he sang ‘I’ll be right here waiting for you’. I felt so lucky, so loved to have you two steps behind and to know that someone was there to catch me when I fall.

I don’t think I know myself well enough. I still wonder if I should regret the day I met you or perhaps regret the day I threw my door open. Letting you in was easy. You made me feel secure. To me, you weren’t one that would fall for another so quickly. That thought made me feel like a million bucks. I meant something to you and that you choose me out of the girls out there. Talking to you was like talking to someone I met before perhaps in another lifetime.

For awhile, we were happy. You were everything to me and I’d do anything to make you happy. Looking at couples passing by, I just smile to myself. I have you and there was nothing happier to have. We made memories, we tied the present times with a pretty bow on the top and we made plans for the future. We’d go places, sight see and breathe the atmosphere of love. We had many things we wanted to do.

The ground shook and thick black clouds rolled in. I should’ve seen trouble ahead, coming closer. I thought I knew you but from the looks of it, I guess I didn’t.

I was so wrong.

The rain fell and I was left standing there while watching you in your cosy chair from a window. Your decision was sudden and I never had the guts to ask you why. Perhaps it was my pride. Perhaps I was afraid to know why. You said your reasons yet they weren’t enough. The real truth you kept well hidden under lock and key. Did I imagine most of what happened before?

I guess I was then.

My idea of a fairytale love was silly. I couldn’t sleep anymore. Every time I closed my eyes, you were there smiling back at me. Why do you torture me unconsciously? You don’t seem to know or seem to care what everything happened before meant.

You were so oblivious.

I’ve been using the word often oblivious, which perfectly sums you alright. I guess I should have said my reasons when I had the chance but every time I see you, the words don’t come out right. They’re not what I meant to say. Maybe I’m protecting myself and my pride. My girlish pride or the icy queen pride- the pride that my heart was never touched at all by you. To the world I am able to deny the fact that you did. But to me and my heart, I can’t hide that fact from ever showing.

I hated the memories you made with me. Everything I looked at, everything I touched, I feel you there with me. It was so easy to let you in and now it’s so hard to erase and dust you out. 

A poem for my friend(=

Of dragons and fairies

A tall tower standing strong

A damsel up above

Far from distress

Wanting to know the world

What can seem so wrong?

Aisyah Razali’s her name

Hailing from tiny Malacca

Once lived in highlands of Tahan

Settling now in the quiet town of Seremban

Never holding back on fun

Carefree as any girl can be

The first day of every third

She turns a year older

The other half too, her sister

Dreams of pink pastel and red

Loves to eat and boy can she eat

Where there are cakes and ice creams,

Chocolate and mum’s cooking

Count on her to be there

with knives and forks a-poking.

Bubbly and gleefully a partner you’ll find

Keeping you wake through the wee hours and nights

Chatting’s her life, reading’s her passion,

sleeping is a favourite while studying is just so not her,

A brilliant eye for design, a wonderful company when shopping

Knights in shining armours, romance is what she enjoys reading

Staunch and careful yet delightful

Somehow she gets too annoying

Yet her friends just love her simply

Quite secretive yet still sensitive

Plans a career in Law and finance

Well…don’t know how that’ll turn up yet

In love with heels, handbags and jewelleries

Her eyes just sparkle and her mouth just drools

At the sight of glittery accessories

Thinking of having only them

Sleeping not till she has them

One thing that keeps her going

Keeps her goal and aspirations at bay is

‘Her dare to fail in order to win success and fame’.

Dear Ben...

Dear Ben,

It’s been 3 weeks, 2 days and 13 hours since you left for Iraq. I can’t help but miss you more and more each day. How is it there? Is it as bleak as you first arrived there? Have the conditions there improved? I am extremely worried about the conditions you’re in; I just wish that I could be where you are, baby…but it is one wish you’re against. Holly is  doing very fine. She just took her first step this morning! She was brimming with joy as she trotted (rather wobbly) towards me. Remember that cute dog plush toy we shopped the day before you left? She loves it so much that she didn’t even want to part with it. She’s now hugging it (more like suffocating it) and sucking her thumb, lost in the land of slumber. My mum came by this morning (unannounced as usual) to check up on me. I can’t blame her I guess. She’s just worried about me missing you too much and these days it’s nice to have her around. Other than that, I got Lisa’s letter today. She’s now on term break there at the university but we can’t have the usual get-together because she has got a mountain of assignments (some overdue) to finish up before term next. That’s life for her, nothing I can say about that. Officially yours truly will be the prop director for this year’s town drama. It’s going to be a fun time creatively brainstorming ideas and building them. It’ll be up and running when you return. I can’t wait till you return…I wish time would fly faster or fly you here right this moment.

 

Love You Always,

Marie

  

Dear Marie,

Yes, it’s been that long since I left. Please don’t count those but the days I’m to return. It makes it easier, trust me. It is all in an uproar some days but at the moment, it’s been calm the whole week here. As for the conditions, I’m getting use to it and coming back the camp it is like heaven compared to the dusty terrains here. BUT nothing compares to coming home to you and I can’t wait to have you in my arms again. I am absolutely happy to hear Holly’s making progress…I wish I was there to cheer on her or have her trot and fall into my arms. About poor doggie being suffocated, we should change our choices of gifts to her- something she that she can’t suffocate. Maybe a live puppy someday, how’s that? I’m saddened to hear Lisa abandon you for her (I’m imagining) huge pile of work but at least you have mum, yeah? Unfortunately, I have to go; my platoon is going to make rounds at a settlement here. Send me pictures of how Holly has grown. I miss you and need you more than you know. I love you.

 

Yours truly,

Ben

 

Another week passed and so did another. The day of return loomed. As it came closer, the situation in Iraq worsened. It was the last time Marie heard from Ben. His platoon never made out from the battle. Yet thousands of miles away, Marie remained in the unknown. She cuddled Holly in her arms and began to sing a lullaby, still waiting for her husband’s return.

  

School for Us All

Things become real

Knowledge at hand

To go to school is a deal

To help us understand

We're sent there to learn

Achievements is what we earn

Yet longing for that ring

At recess we'd be singing

We learn all

Of great nations and their falls

Of Love and Friendship

Upon the sea of knowledge sails our ship

Just an unfinished song I wrote...

Quietly sitting by the sill

Hoping love my heart would fill

Though the distance

Though so far 

In hope you would hear 

My heart's desire

Under that dark blue sky

Wishing to the same bright star

The power to fly

the need to be near

The longing I have 

inside my heart

(wrote it on the way home from PGL the musical. but I was inspired by what I experienced and also from the musical. The two verses are before the chorus- at the moment the chorus is not finished yet)

Untitled

Afraid of the future

Something we tried being sure

A hopeful cry we cried

As we watched our loved ones die

A curtain separating

A wall keeping us away

Unable to keep sane understanding

Trying our ever best- finding a way

The familiar beep of the machine

One hopeful sign of life

Only would time tell

The picture of what Future brings

Yet life must go on

The sounds of machines ceased

Still their existence in our memories

Are stronger than before

Only memories will stay

None of which we will dust away

We shall always remember 

She- our closest member.

Know No Fear

Something I have yet to discover

inside me something to uncover

Behind the rubble lay a shiny plate

A plate no one could ever break

Behind me there's someone

My faith guides me though no one

In all that I do I get my Strength

In all that I fail I shall stand again

You're no match for me

Now that you can see

On that battle ground

you shall lose indeed

I with only stones

yet you'll find defeat

Break do your bones

Amazed I still stand on my feet

Your weapons against me are no match

to the Power so strong behind that latch

So I stand by here 

my faith knowing the near

I rest my soul

In Him alone.

I'm no longer She

There's nothing to talk about

It's just a thing of the past 

Your lies, You're sorry

Don't expect me to believe

Being a part of me

Digging a hole into deep

Leaving me a mess

Dwelling in the nothingness

No longer do you've that thing on me

No longer will I stand and watch

No longer will I fall prey

in which case- you better start praying

I'm not who I was

No longer she

I've played your game

now you'll be playing mine

This you'll never forget

Me- I'll never regret

Something that you must get 

'Cause you haven't learnt it yet

You drive me nuts>>Up the wall<<

You're this 

You're that

You know what-

You're driving me nuts

At my wits end

I don't know what to believe

Don't know which is right

much less the wrong

Doing my very best to understand

Deciphering each and every code

Still you're ahead a step or two

Leaving me clueless right back

Going 'round in circles

I'm tired of driving

Sick of this confusion

In the dark to when it'll stop

Your mystifying charms

I just cross my arms

Your power depletes

no more will they work on me!!

I'm Coming Out!!! XD

Wanna break out from my shell

Want out of this hole

No more hiding

Out with the lights

Out with the the party

Gotta shout

Gotta celebrate

Wanna let the World know-

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Standing over the edge

Never afraid of falling

Cause that's what always happens

When you learn to fly

Spread my wings

Catch the breeze from the east

owh owh...

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Gotta shout

Gotta celebrate

Wanna let the World know-

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Bring on the drama

Bring on all that you got

Cause I so can handle them

Gonna show you

Yeah, I'm gonna show you

what I'm capable of 

'Cause-

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Gotta shout

Gotta celebrate

Wanna let the World know-

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Whatever you got

You can't hold 'em against me

Nothing can hold me

That don't ever forget

Watch Out 

You'll find regret

Yeah 'Cause- 

I'm Coming Out!!!!

Gonna throw those negatives

Gonna smash those frames 

Building a new me

Ain't nothing to it

Jesus is with me 

Just understand

Uh-huh

I'm Coming Out!!!

Gotta shout

Gotta celebrate

Wanna let the World know-

I'm Coming Out!!!!

WoOoHoOo!!!!!!

Changed- Another Lesson Learnt

No more will life be the same,  

The life I've become accustomed to.

No more would it be as sweet,

As sweet as the berries of Spring.

No more would this beginning continue-

For the end I have seen.

No longer am I near

But far I now am.

No longer sweetness I taste

But the bitterness that burns.

No longer will I be the same-

yet to know I have now learnt.

The longer I carry a smile,

An Easier detection of a lie.

The longer I linger,

It pierces me deeper down inside.

The longer I wait for thee to see, 

I shall perish in my own despair.

What shall I do now- that you no longer can see?

In sleepless nights I fear

The memory of you shall linger.

Masquerading throughout the day

will only pain me further.

Though the warmth, 

I shall feel the cold.

Though the joke, 

I shall hear no laughter.

A lesson I perhaps have learnt,

Another for my Book of Life.

For I have changed-

not knowing for the better.

For I have changed- 

knowing the winds have.

School reopens!

The irritating ring of the alarm,

Our brains screams in protest

as we climb out of our soft slumber, 

only to notice the roosters have not wake.

One Step At A Time, 

We made our way through the dark,

knocking something and everything over, 

just to look at ourselves in the mirror 

And scream in fright at the image of 

'Dracula' in our bathroom mirrors.

Dragging with all our might, 

We made it to the kitchen!

For what seemed like hours, 

We stared at the empty kitchen table top,

Occasionaly glancing and drooling

at the delicious front cover

of Mummy's cookbook.

Feeling lazy, feeling silly,

We downed a glass of warm water

and gobbled a slice of plain bread.

Later in regret we find- 

there's left over spaghetti in the microwave!

Our pressed uniforms become crumpled 

as we struggled into their tight folds,

Which brings back memories 

Of Christmas and heavy suppers past.

Or maybe Or perhaps,

it shrinked in the washing?

Our knees tremble,

Our knees shake

Under the weight of extra books

Never bothered opening

Never bothered reading

Oh how we wished we had lockers

like Gabie and Troy does.

First period goes,

Second follows.

Third, we're restless.

Fourth, we're doomed to boredom

In history- when will we say freedom?

Skipping recess to the loo

Only to find a long line to queue.

Fifth went with a breeze;

Sixth came and gone; 

By seven- we couldn't tahan! 

Eighth-We wanted to scream!

At Ninth- we counted down...

What time is it?

6 in the morn...It was just a dream..

We have to go through it again???

*pauses and thinks*

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awesome God- I love You so...

Without Your Love,

where would we be?

Without Your Aid, 

How would we stand so tall?

Without Your Light,

We would walk aimlessly in the dark.

It is no wonder 

You're the awesome God.

The raging seas,

The deadliest of all storms

are no match to Your power.

The lands tremble at the sound of Your voice.

Nations bow down to worship and praise

You, our awesome God.

Our praise, we will sing,

Will be heard o'er mountains,

carried by the wind

over the wide seas.

Our voices will carry 

all the praises to You.

Our joy You will hear,

Our cries You will listen.

Lord, You are truly an awesome God.

Silently, we pray; 

Knowing in our hearts

that You will listen attentively.

Peace comes to us

when we're at our darkest; 

Your Light becomes our bright star in life

that we follow wherever it may lead us too.

Never You abandon us

Never You let our cries be unheard.

You truly are the awesome God.

No one else I love more than I love you, Lord.

Amen.

Amour (Love)

Love is such 

like a flame of a candle.

By a match, 

it lights quickly.

By wind,

it goes off -

Oh so swiftly.

The flame burns; 

Passion is the fuel.

How slowly two characters be one...

How quickly one leaves the other.

Thus, the light exstinguishes itself

leaving a broken heart in dark.

Love is special, 

unlike any candle;

Isn't made but found.

Not quite easy to search the world apart

For that one who holds your heart.

Love?

Is Love ever real?

Or Is it some dream?

A fantasy that never will

come true?

Is it a feeling or such a thought

Of someone we've met once before; 

Long ago in a distant dream?

How sure we are that

love brings joy?

How painful it can be

when love brings misery in its wake...

Will one ever realise

What love does?

Will one ever break free 

from it's misery;

Grabbing on to those memories

pleasing to the heart?

Love?

Is one question left 

only to be answered

when we see through our heart

and not by temptation of any kind; 

only the longing to be near and dear.

When You Say You Love Me

The world stops spinning,

The little blue birds cease their chirping,

The gardens around stay still and silent

Without a sound in the world but yours

When you say you love me.

My heart skips a beat

Butterflies tickle inside me

The rush of blood through my veins

The happiness unimaginable

When you say you love me.

Like the most harmonious melody

I hear your voice

Over plains and terrains, over the great seas

The world lays un-stirring

Motionless to listen

When you say you love me.

Falling into a deep sleep

I lay lost and unfound

In the lands of slumber

May I never wake from this beautiful dream of mine

When you say you love me.

For all the joy and wondrous moments you bring

How may I say? How would I express-

The depth of my love for you

When you say you love me?

For my love for you

Is as unending as a bottomless hole

Is as constant as the stars above

The depth of mine is immeasurable as yours

When you say you love me.